Letting it all Burn

Today is a day for burning things down. So here goes. *deep breath*

I am no longer a Baptist. I am no longer an evangelical. And if this White nationalist, American, conservative political social group that passes for church these days is considered Christian, then I suppose I’ll let that label go as well since it has lost any resemblance to the faith I thought I was raised in. It is another religion entirely and one I cannot have any part of.

If you know me a little this may be a shock. Although if you know me well, it probably isn’t.

I’ve spent my life deeply involved in evangelical ministry, growing up in a ministry home and then being a pastor’s wife for almost a decade and being involved in some sort of ministry for over 20 years. During that time I’ve used a very specific metric to make all of my life decisions, big and small. Decisions about where to go to college, what major to pursue even who to marry. As a couple we made housing decisions, career decisions and parenting decisions all through the lens of what we believed was God’s will. We used the Bible to try to determine these things and although it has little say on which zip code to live in, we generally felt that we had it mapped out well enough to be an excellent guidebook for our daily lives.

I could tell you about the little things over the years, the doubts, the creeping questions, the cognitive dissonance, all the times I pushed down that still small voice that whispered to my heart that something was off, something didn’t fit, the pieces felt forced. But that is too long for now. And for most of that time, while there was suffering there was joy too. And the comfort of having a framework into which I could neatly fit all the pieces of my life. Even if that meant I had to cut off a few rough edges. God was with me then and now. I do not doubt it. I know that some people’s deconstruction stories are full of doubt and anger at God. But I can say that I dealt with those questions within the context of my faith. I asked and wrestled and got answers. God is indeed good. God is indeed love. He never let me go. My questions didn’t scare him. He lets his children beat their tiny fists against his loving chest and envelops us anyway. No. My leaving is not leaving God. It is leaving the people who claim to speak for him.

Soon after I settled my questions with God, circumstances demanded I settle some questions with myself.

I’d like to tell you that I made a clear and conscious choice to stand up for my convictions and leave a system that I began to see was harming people around me. But I can’t. I stayed and stayed and stayed even when I knew the toxicity ran deep. Even when I saw people around me breaking themselves on it. When I knew in my bones something was deeply wrong.

I stayed until someone hit the eject button and I was forcibly thrown from my community, my team, my tribe. I can’t even say I left the church. Church left me.

And after that freefall, painful as it was, I was left, rubbing my bruised behind and looking around me. I began to see how the things that had nagged at my conscience, plagued me from my youngest days, tugged at my heart and mind were all connected to the reasons I was propelled so suddenly out of my community. The same people who had opined about the “authority of scripture” to silence my objections about the equality of women in marriage and ministry were using obscure and out of context scripture to justify their extremely specific petty political squabbles. I watched as those who pushed back on the stigma against LGBTQ Christians were publicly chastised for not upholding a Biblical sexual ethic, but the silence about rampant sexual abuse in our churches and denominations was deafening. It seemed grace was for the powerful men, not the broken ones they used. When I wanted to address the deep racial divides in our country and provide a place to think Biblically about those issues I was told that was getting political, but collections were openly taken for groups with clear legislative political agendas on abortion. Videos from political action groups were shown on “Life Sunday” but no one could utter the words “Black Lives Matter” without some kind of caveat.

In the end I have to thank a very special group of men for my deconstruction. They were the prominent men who wrote the commentaries I studied in Bible college, whose voices echoed in the halls of seminaries all across the Bible Belt. Men whose word on interpretation, inspiration and application was resounding if not final. They spoke and whole denominations listened. Church empires were built around their names. I thank them for being so blatant in their coveting of power over service, ego over humility, vengeance over meekness. They lifted the burden off of my shoulders by showing me that it was never about a desire to be faithful to scripture, it was always about using that scripture to hold on to their own influence and self importance. The more ridiculous their claims became, the more far fetched their use of scripture the more I felt their yoke slip off my shoulders. And the more it slipped from my shoulders the more I felt any residual anger I felt toward God slip away with it.

Don’t ask me what the answers are. The days of being able to pull an answer out of my handy “search by topic for the correct Bible verse” handbook are over. I no longer worry over Calvinism vs Arminianism. You won’t find me arguing for contemporary choruses over hymns. I won’t play Bible verse ping pong anymore with your favorite pet political issues. I won't play those semantic word games with scripture and you can't make me. I don’t have my neat boxes anymore, or my guidebook printed in neat black and white and organized by category. I don’t even have my Biblical magic ball. “Trust God.” “Pray harder” “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle” I’m out in uncharted waters and to be honest it’s more thrilling than I could have imagined. While the number of things I don’t know has skyrocketed, the few things I do know, I know with my heart and my bones and the fibers of my body. The things I know wouldn't even fill up tiny spiral notebook, but they fill up my soul.

I know that I am humbled. Every time I was at my lowest, God used someone whose theology or lifestyle or religion didn’t meet my standards to pour out his mercy and love on my heart. I saw first hand that “right” theology didn’t equal right action. But genuine love produced sweet fruit regardless of the doctrine or lack of it. And so I’ve stepped back from the unending and exhausting quest to have all the answers. I’m not the advice girl anymore. I won’t pretend to have it all together. But I will listen. And love you. And try to pour out the grace that I’ve been given.

I do have some regrets. I regret stifling that still small voice for so long. I regret not trusting my instincts. I regret the time and energy lost on insignificant things. Most of all I regret sacrificing my children and my relationships for a community that after all those years wasn’t deep enough to withstand even the smallest deviations from dogma. Which it turns out was mostly unwritten, based on patriarchy and power and not even an apostle’s creed.

What I don't regret is loving the people. If you were under my ministry, then please know that my love for you was genuine. I will never regret a moment of that connection.

My deepest apologies to anyone I hurt with teachings that oppressed instead of uplifted, or shamed instead of affirmed. I stayed too long, long after I knew better, and for that I am sorry.

My hesitation in making this public is twofold. First I realize some people may use this as “proof” that only a conservative view is compatible with the Bible. I realize that my departure from orthodoxy in some areas will be a free pass to dismiss anything I have ever said from inside the church about how it’s witness and Christ’s name are being trampled under a false gospel.

And to the first point I say, you are most certainly wrong. There are many who affirm conservative orthodox theology while rejecting its cultural and political counterpart. If you don’t believe me, I’ll send you a book list, or you can simply look outside our borders to brothers and sisters in other countries to find conservative orthodoxy that doesn’t worship guns and free market capitalism. Or better yet, simply cross the street and visit the Black church in your community and sit quietly and learn from brothers and sisters who have walked through the fire of true persecution. Not the fetishized persecution fantasies of the hypothetical socialist future to which we are all now surely doomed, but real suffering inflicted by calculating and hateful hands. Faith tried by fire is true faith indeed and the Black church in America has been baptized in that fire. White evangelicalism has much it could learn about faithfulness in persecution should the need ever arise.

I will not be able to convince my critics, but the truth is I didn’t depart from my evangelical roots because of politics. Politics simply revealed the idols that had infiltrated the conservative, white American church. The abandonment of a worldview actually consistent with the orthodox interpretation of scripture is the fruit of seeds planted so deep in the fabric of American Christianity that eventually trying to separate them left nothing in my hands but shreds. Some who have been through this process choose to stay, to try to weave it back together again. I salute them with the utmost respect. But I gave my lifeblood as long as I could. So now I will step back. Leave the church in Jesus’ capable hands and trust that what needs to die will die and what can be raised will eventually be life-filled again. It just cannot be my burden anymore. I gave all I could and more than I should.

Second I know that my leaving this version of faith might hurt and disappoint people who sat under my ministry. And for that I am genuinely sorry. All I can say is that the best gift I can give you is my true self. I cannot pretend any longer, not even for you, my loved friend. If our relationship has been based on a set of doctrines or dogmas or creeds, I offer something else instead. A relationship based out of mutual respect and love. One that won’t fade and turn paternalistic if you change your mind about a systematic theology. So if you’re game, let's get to know each other again. I promise it’s still me under here. Just with the extra stuff stripped away.

My ministry friends and college alumni may have all kinds of questions about specifically what it is I affirm or deny and let me just get the disappointment out of the way by saying I choose not to have those conversations at this time. If I haven’t already had them with you, then it’s not happening in the near future. I love you but stay out of my messages.

I do want to say some things very clearly.

I believe: (and please feel free to read this with Steve Green’s “We Believe” playing in the background)

1. God is love.

2. To show love is to be godly

3. If God is God he will reveal himself in his own way to anyone who seeks to love and through love know him.

4. Women deserve a seat at every table including the clergy and that separate but equal is not equal at all. Male headship is patriarchy and an unfair burden for both men and women.

5. I reject purity culture, and any form of spirituality that forces an individual to choose between their sexuality and their spirituality. Wholeness and health does not come through cutting off one part of yourself to appease another.

6. I affirm all of my LGBTQ siblings fully and completely and without caveat.

7. I reject all efforts to use faith to gain or preserve influence and power.

More than that, if you ask me a question about my theology I will happily answer, “I do not know.” Perhaps someday I will feel compelled to be more certain on specifics but I doubt it. I know enough to live every day of my life with purpose. That purpose is remarkably similar to what it has always been, to be the face and hands and feet of God to those I come into contact with. I have failed more often than not.

I think you may find that my tone will change as I step outside the bounds of evangelicalism. While I felt the fervor burning in my chest to defend Christ’s name and honor while I was a part of the body that I felt was tarnishing it, I no longer wish to be a fiery prophetess, warning of the coming destruction of the witness of the church. I am stepping away from persuasion. I realize that by being transparent about my journey I will likely lose what little influence I had, if I ever had any at all.

Instead of persuasion or influence I want to simply live my life the best I can, continue on this journey, learn about myself and God, and practice being a better conduit for his love. I won’t ask you to follow me, because I won’t pretend to know where I’m going. But for anyone who wants a companion, I’ll invite you to walk beside me. Make no mistake, I am not abandoning God or his people, only a specific organization of them. I refuse to give another second of my life to empire building but I will always seek out community, to live in faith together, hold each other up and urge each other onward one step at a time.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I love you, whether we continue on and journey together or part ways. This has been the year of the dumpster fire. The perfect metaphor for the out of control, maddening and often senseless things happening all around us. I've often felt as though I was trying to put out a raging fire with a tiny watering can. Today I choose to step back and let it burn. I'm turning a different direction and warming my face by a different kind of fire. You are most welcome to join me.